In PFP I make a case for the fact that Dale Carnegie had a great idea with his highly influential book from the 1930s called How to Win Friends and Influence People, but I think he had things in the wrong order.
Rather than persuading strangers to buy something or do something they don’t necessarily want to do, we should seek to develop friendships with the people around us so we can influence them in ways consistent with their needs and wants. I loved Dale Carnegie’s book from years ago. In fact, I often thought of PFP as my attempt to help those who follow Jesus to learn how to connect with the world around us – even in the midst of differences and disagreements.
Even still, people abuse friendships. Have you heard about the recent videotapes of Joran Van Der Sloot’s confessions? He shares the details of what happened on that tragic night in Aruba when Natalee Holloway disappeared with a man who was hired to befriend him and to tape his confession. Now obviously this is fantastic news for the Holloway family and friends along with the pursuit of justice in a heinous crime, but this was bad news for Joran (not that he deserves any good news).
I was reminded of Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinskey. Of course many people were enraged by the exploits of President Clinton and the intern, but many people also did not appreciate how Linda Tripp turned on her friend. (Apparently Linda Tripp has “disappeared.” Some think she has undergone plastic surgery and a name change to remain out of the public eye).
I was reminded of the power of relationship. In our friendships we have the power to lift up or to destroy – to encourage or to tear apart. When it comes to justice or the protection of others, turning on a friend makes sense, but it still hurts (if it was a genuine friendship).
This all begs the question: “When is it ok to turn on a friend?”
Q:“When is it ok to turn on a friend?”
A: When your friend makes the remorseless statements Van der Sloot made, telling you the details of the last moments in the life of an innocent teenage woman where only he was present and instead of going immediately for help to possibly revive her he called someone to dispose of her body…when you, in hearing this, suddenly realize you that your friend is a remorseless sociopathic psychopath who sees himself as the victim of circumstances…I’d say it would be a wise call on your part to turn on that friend. Not to do so would be you turning your back on the rest of the innocent victims that will cross his path one day.
As a follower of Jesus and a committed student to adapting my life to his examples, I make all attempts to side with forgiveness. It takes extreme maliciousness on someone else’s part for me to finally walk the other way.
But it has happened.
If we were mindless robots without the capacity to choose, then it’d be easy to always brush things off. But we’re not. We’re a species driven by emotion and feelings, a species who speaks different love languages. And when those love languages aren’t being spoken, tension begin to build.
And, of course, when you have the “Holloway” situation, I think it’s good grounds to turn on your friend.