I was listening to a podcast the other day that referenced an article by Josh Reich from 2023. The title of the article was, “Most people will lose 5 to 7 significant relationships over the course of their lifetime, but pastors lose 5 to 7 significant relationships per year.”
That hit me right in the soul. I’ve been in full-time ministry for almost two decades now, and I can tell you that these words awakened something in me. Pastoral ministry can be a keep your head down and keep moving forward occupation. You are busy working for the Lord, you don’t have many opportunities to stop and take stock of your soul, right? Even if you do, our struggle and pain will never be as great as Jesus, the apostles, or millions of martyrs scattered throughout the last two millennia. Should the attrition of parishioners, and the loss of relationships that result, be something I stop to mourn? I believe you must. The mounting losses will take a toll on you, whether you stop to acknowledge them or not.
Several years ago, a seasoned pastor told me that he had no friends in his church. He discouraged me from trusting anyone inside the church with the deep places of my soul. I dismissed his comment as the rhetoric of a bitter and jaded curmudgeon. As the years have passed, I have felt the sting of abandonment over and over. People you thought were friends you poured your life into leave and never look back. Someone chooses to forget years of your faithfulness and exits due to one small oversight. Folks that are caught up in sin will twist your words of correction and paint you as an unfeeling “meanie.” As the losses mount, I feel the temptation to shut everyone out and protect myself and my family. I did not realize how guarded I had become until I heard the quote from above. Now that the Lord has revealed this to me, how do I keep going without boiling dry? What can I do to keep me in the fight?
I believe there are three things that will help prepare me to endure the lonely valleys that often find pastors.
Expect it
Not everyone that attends your church is a Christian. A much smaller percentage have a worldview that is informed by the Bible (you know, the one they don’t read). And fewer still, are filled with and walking by the Spirit of God. Church folks expect the pastor to be a part of their lives; they usually do not feel the same compulsion to be a part of the pastor’s. The pastor is supposed to be interested, invested, and available when they want you to be. When a conflict arises, whether it is theological, relational, or preferential, most “church people” are looking for the eject button. Matthew 18 and the command of Jesus to go to your brother in conflict are out the window in our single- serve, disposable church lives. Here is the nasty part; most people in the church will get to continue in relationship with the offended party, even if they leave. The pastor rarely does. As a representative of the church, the pastor and his family are the ones that are exiled out of the relational circle. Years spent being there for someone are rewarded with silence at best, and behind the scenes slander at worst. It is easy to become cynical and stop trying to cultivate anything but the “church-level” friends that are never allowed to get close enough to truly harm us.
Before we go any further, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room. There are pastors who wreck churches and the lives of those that faithfully attend. There are pastors who are masters of manipulation and glory-seeking. There are pastors that are lazy and just looking for a paycheck. Those are BY FAR the exception. In my years of following Jesus, I would say less than 5 percent of pastors are in this category. But I do want to stop and admit that there are men in pulpits that were not sent by God.
If you are going to make it in ministry, and by make it I mean survive to the end, you are going to have to expect to be left, cast aside, misunderstood, forgotten, and slandered. It is part of the job. My problem was that I didn’t think it would happen to me. I jumped into ministry with such high expectations and glorious ambitions to see people’s lives changed and God be glorified. I was not prepared to handle the grind of ministry.
Maybe if I had read an article like this, I would have been better at preparing my soul for what would come along. Either way, I pray that you understand that anything we do that pushes against the flesh, or the kingdom of this temporary world, will be met with resistance. You are in a spiritual war (2 Corinthians 10:4-5, Ephesians 6:12).
Keep it framed in eternity
Elijah, Ezekiel, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Daniel, Joseph, Samuel, and even Jesus dealt with the same thing we are talking about today. They were faithful. They cared for the hearts of the people and genuinely wanted them to follow God to an intimate, and fulfilling relationship with Him. They also were all harassed, abandoned, attacked, slandered, and their messages minimized. Some paid with their lives for their obedience to the Father. If we could crack open a window into the throne room of God now you know what each one would say? It was worth it. Don’t give up. The same Spirit that gave me the strength to endure will be with you. The days of sorrow and loss pale in comparison to an eternity in the presence of God.
Pastor, your work matters. God sees your pain. He knows your grief and the things you have lost.
Jesus was talking to the apostle Peter when He said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” Mark10:29-31.
Isaiah 53:3 says, “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.”
Hebrews 12:1-2 state, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
You are not alone. Loving people that make your life difficult is worth it. There are heavenly rewards that will outshine all the pain and loss here. For all the losses, there will be those that will live for eternity because they found true life in Christ. You got to be a small part of that. It will be worth it.
Find real friends
Last, find some real friends. I’m not saying you can’t have good friendships inside the church, it is just hard. Love your people well, dive in and be a part of their lives. But please, get some friends outside of your congregation that will be there come hell or high water. Other pastors understand what you are going through. If we pastors can lay down a little of our pride and ego, we would find other soldiers of the cross that are desperate to know they are not alone in their foxhole. Find a friend, get a hobby, and be real. Confess your sin, pray for one another, just be an ear and a shoulder someone can rely on.
Real friends check on you. They don’t dominate the conversation with their problems (you have plenty of that from your congregation). You deserve to have friends. Grieve with those that grieve, rejoice with those that rejoice; and encourage each other to keep going.
Find someone and be real enough to find a friend that sticks closer than a brother. You need them and they need you.
Conclusion
Jesus said, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart’ I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Have you ever stopped to acknowledge the pain from ministry? I’m not advocating wallowing in pity, just a little triage to take stock of the wounds in your soul. You cannot allow the Holy Spirit to heal what you keep hidden and in the darkness.
Church people can wound deeply. We are often left wondering what we did to deserve this. Remember, they are not rejecting you, they are casting off restraint and rebelling against God.
Please don’t give up. Please don’t let the darkness close in on your soul. Please don’t let the enemy convince you that another drink, another woman, or another vice will satisfy you. Only Jesus can heal you, trust Him.
I’ll leave you with the words to a great old hymn:
Jesus knows all about our struggles;
He will guide ’til the day is done:
There’s not a Friend like the lowly Jesus:
No, not one! no, not one!– Johnson Oatman Jr. (1856-1926)
Jeremy Garrett
Senior Pastor
Open Door Baptist Church
Walhalla, SC
