We continued our series at Gateway in Austin on how God can redeem every season of our lives.
In our world, it’s really easy to define ourselves by our relationship status or season of life; married, single, divorced, dating, starting over, starting out. Those labels can start to feel like our identity. But what if your life is bigger than your current chapter?
Your identity isn’t based on your past mistakes, your current status, or what didn’t work out. It’s based on the idea that you are loved, pursued, and restored by God.
And if that’s true, then no matter where you are today, your story isn’t stuck. It’s not defined by what’s broken. It’s moving toward wholeness.
Digging Deeper:
Gateway South Austin Video:
Gateway South Austin Audio:
Message Notes:
There is a moment in almost every wedding when the room goes still.
The music fades. The bride and groom turn toward one another. Vows are spoken—solemnly, tremblingly. And for a brief second, even the most cynical person in the back row senses it: something weighty is happening. Not merely romance. Not merely legal paperwork. Something sacred. What we are seeing is a covenant being established.
Covenant – (OT – Hebrew) Berit – treaty, compact, agreement, an association between two parties with various responsibilities, benefits, and penalties
Covenant – (NT – Greek) Diatheke – a solemn agreement between two parties; will, testament, a legal document by which property is transferred to heirs, usually upon death
This partly influenced the popular phrase in marriage ceremonies “till death do us part.” Which started to be used originally in the 1549 by the Church of England and its publishing in the Book of Common Prayer written by Thomas Cranmer, when the phrase was originally “till death us depart (separate)” So if we put it all together, what we are experiencing in a marriage ceremony is two people saying,
“I take you, and I make a pact to take on responsibility, and enjoy the benefits of being one party, instead of two, and it is my last will and testament that all I have is yours and all that is yours is mine. The breaking of this agreement has penalties too steep to bear, but the honoring of our established agreement will also bring a joy that is too much to bear. Until we die!”
Knowing this, and if we’re honest, most of us walk into marriage with far less understanding than we think. We bring with us our families of origin—their strengths, their wounds, their unspoken rules. We bring cultural assumptions about power and autonomy. We bring in joy and excitement that “everything is going to work itself out.” We can get lost in the fun and buzz around a new life together, that we may not know how to actually build that life.
We can also bring in private fears: Will I be enough? Will I be safe? Will I lose myself?
And then we open to a passage like Ephesians 5:21–33, and it feels both beautiful and unsettling:
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing b her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Paul says marriage is a mystery. Not a puzzle to be solved, but a reality so deep that it ultimately points beyond itself—to Christ and the church.
Marriage, Paul says, is meant to be a living picture of the gospel.
And that means two things at once:
It is far more glorious than we imagined.
And it is far more demanding than we expected.
Let’s walk into this mystery together.
1. Mutual Submission: The Frame of the Whole Picture
Paul begins not with wives. Not with husbands. But with this:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Eph. 5:21)
That verse frames everything that follows.
In the ancient Mediterranean world, submission in marriage was assumed—but it was one-directional. Wives were expected to submit to husbands. Elite men in Athens valued wives who were quiet, obedient, and largely unseen. Marriage functioned around hierarchy and power.
Into that world, Paul writes something astonishing: Submit to one another.
This was radically countercultural. In a patriarchal society where men were clearly understood as leaders, Paul does not simply affirm male authority—he reframes it. He roots marriage not in dominance but in self-giving love.
Notice: Paul is writing to believers. He is not saying women are inferior. He is not saying all women must submit to all men in every circumstance. He is speaking specifically to husbands and wives in covenant.
And before he says anything about a wife’s submission, he commands mutual submission. That word “submit” does not mean annihilation of personality. It means a voluntary yielding of oneself for the good of another. It is not coerced. It is chosen.
But here’s the thing: mutual submission is not our bent.By nature, we promote ourselves. We defend our rights. We protect our ego. We subtly calculate: Am I getting as much as I’m giving?
Paul says in verse 21 that this submission flows “out of reverence for Christ.” It is rooted not in the worthiness of your spouse, but in awe of Jesus.
The word “reverence” carries the idea of profound respect, awe, and a holy fearbefore God. The Bible tells us that “the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.” (Proverbs 9:10). You see, when we fear, revere, or are in awe of God it does not mean we are scared of him, but we are afraid of being away from Him. Fearing God eliminates all other fears for He is bigger than all that scares us.
We submit to one another because we are both under the authority of a God who gave Himself up for us. In other words, the reason I yield my rights is not because my spouse deserves it perfectly—but because Christ surrendered His rights for me.
The gospel destabilizes power dynamics.
In Genesis, men and women were created as co-rulers, both bearing the imago Dei—the image of God. The Fall fractured that partnership. Domination and fear entered in. But in Christ and in His new Kingdom, Paul says, we are being restored to God’s original design: relationships marked by servanthood and mutual love.
Marriage, then, is not about who wins. It is about who serves.
And that is why it is so hard.
Because mutual submission requires the Holy Spirit. You cannot do it on willpower alone. You cannot do it while clutching your pride.
But when a husband and wife both begin to say, “How can I outdo you in showing honor?”—something extraordinary happens, marriage becomes a theater of grace.
2. Wives: Submission and Respect in the Mystery
Paul continues:
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” (Eph. 5:22)
For many modern readers, this is the most difficult line in the passage. It has been misused. It has been weaponized. It has been quoted to justify oppression.
So we must read it carefully—within its context.
First, remember verse 21: mutual submission frames this.
Second, Paul is speaking to Christian wives, married to Christian husbands.
Third, submission here is not blind obedience; it is covenantal trust.
Paul says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.” (Eph.5:23)
“Head” here does not mean tyrant. We read in verse 25, Christ’s headship over the church is not domineering. It is active. It is self-giving. It is sacrificial. It is for her flourishing.
In his new book From Genesis to Junia on God’s call for women to serve as leaders, Preston Sprinkle spends an entire chapter on Ephesians 5 and writes:
“Christ radically upended this entire way of thinking… that submission conveyed notions of inferiority and weakness…. The call to submit is a call to embody the cosmic power of King Jesus who defeated devils and empires by submitting to the cross.”
-Preston Sprinkle, Genesis to Junia: An Honest Search for What the Bible Really Says About Women in Leadership
So what does submission mean here?
It means allowing your husband to love you well. It means entrusting your heart to him. It means not withholding yourself in self-protection.
And this is where the Fall echoes loudly.
In Genesis 3, the harmony between man and woman fractured. Fear entered the relationship. Women became understandably hesitant to trust male leadership because of the risk of hurt, domination, or neglect.
And so many wives, understandably, guard their hearts. “I will not fully yield. I will not fully trust. I will protect myself.”
But Paul envisions something different—a courageous surrender rooted not in the husband’s perfection but in Christ’s lordship.
“The wife must respect her husband.” (Eph. 5:33)
The greek word for respect here is phobeomai – a deep but proper fear, respect, and awe as one would unto God.
Oh no, just lost a lot of you…but stay with me. That godly fear is NOT for the man/husband himself. It is for the awesome and heavy responsibility he has before God. Think of it this way, God has given your husband an office and great responsibility. You are being asked to honor the office, because God is holding the husband accountable. God the father is asking that man to take care of you, to be active, self-giving, sacrificial, thinking of you first ma’am, so that you can flourish. Can you trust that dynamic? Can you trust and respect that God the father is shaping, challenging and holding your man to a higher calling?
Respect is profoundly empowering. When a wife shows respect to her husband—not flattery, but genuine honor—it calls him forward. It reminds him who he is meant to be.
Men, too, are afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to be inadequate. Afraid to lay down their guard.
When a wife respects her husband and his call to lead in this way, she strengthens his resolve to live in the upside-down kingdom way of Christ.
But hear this clearly…women are not asked to be passive, you too are called: Proverbs 31 shows us what a woman is capable of—strength, wisdom, entrepreneurship, leadership. Ephesians 5 is not about limiting a woman’s gifts. It is about shaping the spirit of the relationship.
Submission here is not shrinking. It is participating in a covenant that mirrors the church’s joyful trust in Christ.
And that is beautiful.
3. Husbands: Sacrificial, Sanctifying, Satisfying Love
If wives stumble over submission, husbands often stumble over what comes next.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Eph. 5:25)
That is the standard.
Not “love her when she is lovable.”
Not “lead her efficiently.”
Not “provide and protect.”
Love her as Christ loved the church.
How did Christ love the church?
He washed feet.
He bore misunderstanding.
He absorbed injustice.
He went to a cross.
Paul uses the word agape—a love so radically self-giving that the early Christians had to elevate it above the common Greek word philia. Agape is not primarily emotion. It is covenantal commitment. It is self-sacrificial action for the good of another.
Husbands are called to give themselves up.
That means ego dies. Selfish ambition dies. The orientation of life shifts from “How do I get my needs met?” to “How do I help her flourish?”
Paul says Christ gave Himself up:
“to make her holy, cleansing her… to present her to himself as a radiant church.” (Eph. 5:26–27)
Here is something stunning: Christ’s love is sanctifying. It makes us more fully who we were created to be.
In the same way, a husband’s love should create an environment in which his wife becomes more radiant, more confident in her calling, more alive to God’s purposes.
Your leadership, men, is not about control. It is about cultivating glory in another.
Let me say this another way: leadership in the Kingdom is not what the world values.
Do you remember Jesus being asked by James and John if they could rule from his right and left in the New Kingdom?
Jesus said them that this decision was not up to him and then he reframed leadership by saying this:
“You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” – Mark 10:42-45
And here is the paradox: as you orient your life around helping your wife flourish, you discover joy.
Paul says:
“He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Eph. 5:28)
This is not narcissism. It is covenantal realism. In marriage, you are one flesh. When you nourish and cherish her, you are participating in Christ’s love—and that is deeply satisfying.
But let’s be honest: this is not how men are typically discipled by culture. We are trained to conquer, to achieve, to compete. This kind of leadership—gentle, sacrificial, attentive—requires community. It requires repentance. It requires the Spirit.
Yet it is glorious.
4. One Flesh and the Gift of Sex
Paul quotes Genesis:
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” (Eph. 5:31)
One flesh is not merely emotional unity. It includes bodily union.
Sex is not an afterthought in Christian marriage. It is part of the covenant sign.
In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes something equally countercultural:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband… The husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” (1 Cor. 7:3–4)
In a culture where women’s bodies were often treated as property, Paul says something revolutionary: husbands and wives have mutual authority over one another’s bodies.
This is not coercion. It is mutual self-giving.
Sex in marriage is not merely about physical satisfaction. It is a renewal of covenant. It is saying with your body what you promised with your vows: “I am yours.”
When sex is separated from covenant, it loses its meaning. When it is integrated into covenant, it becomes deeply bonding.
And yet, here too, brokenness intrudes. Shame. Past wounds. Performance pressure. Withholding as punishment.
But when mutual submission shapes even the bedroom—when both spouses seek to serve rather than demand—sex becomes not a battlefield but a celebration.
It becomes a living picture of one-flesh union under Christ.
5. The Mystery: Marriage as Gospel Drama
Paul ends with this:
“This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” (Eph. 5:32)
Marriage is not ultimate. It is a signpost. It tells a story.
When a husband sacrifices for his wife, the world glimpses Christ’s cross.
When a wife joyfully trusts her husband’s loving leadership, the world glimpses the church’s devotion to Jesus.
When both submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, the world sees the gospel embodied.
Imagine what would happen if Christian marriages lived this out.
Children would grow up not merely hearing about grace, but watching it. Watching forgiveness. Watching repentance. Watching sacrificial love.
Singles would see that marriage is not an idol, but a calling. Married couples would see that their union is not about self-fulfillment, but about learning to serve the other and displaying redemption.
But this kind of marriage does not begin with performance. It begins with humility.
It begins with recognizing the pain and brokenness we bring from our families of origin. The fears. The defensive habits. The unspoken scripts.
And then it moves toward repentance and community. Toward aligning ourselves with the upside-down kingdom way of loving we see in Ephesians 5.
Marriage can be beautiful. It can also be, and should be, refining. It can expose selfishness you didn’t know you had. It can press you into dependence on Christ.
But that is precisely the point.
Because marriage is not just about happiness. It is about holiness. It is about becoming more like the One whose love it reflects.
And one day, every earthly marriage will give way to the greater wedding feast—the union of Christ and His church.
Until then, every act of mutual submission, every sacrifice, every moment of trust, every renewal of covenant love—whispers the mystery:
You are loved by a Bridegroom who gave Himself up for you.
And when husbands and wives live in that love—out of reverence for Christ—the world catches a glimpse of heaven.
