We continued our series at Gateway in Austin on how God can redeem every season of our lives.
In our world, it’s really easy to define ourselves by our relationship status or season of life; married, single, divorced, dating, starting over, starting out. Those labels can start to feel like our identity. But what if your life is bigger than your current chapter?
Your identity isn’t based on your past mistakes, your current status, or what didn’t work out. It’s based on the idea that you are loved, pursued, and restored by God.
And if that’s true, then no matter where you are today, your story isn’t stuck. It’s not defined by what’s broken. It’s moving toward wholeness.
Digging Deeper:
Video Message from Gateway South Austin:
Audio Message from Gateway South Austin:
Message Notes:
We are in a series in which we are wanting to redefine our identity not based on our season of life but on who God says we are. No matter our relationship status or stage of life, God is in the process of restoring and delivering us from past wounds and bondage into wholeness and abundant life.
The thing that is deeply true and the primary identity for a Christ follower is that we are redeemed. In week one we saw that to redeem means “to buy back, to repair or restore, to make better, to remove obligation of payment.” In other words, through Jesus we are delivered out of bondage, our wrongs are covered over, and we can experience liberation from death into a restored wholeness.
Too often, as humans we can make our primary identity based on our season of life or relational status, but as those who are a part of God’s family He defines us primarily differently. So, no matter where you are in life…married, single, divorced, or just getting started, God meets you right where you are and has a plan and purpose beyond what the world tells us.
When we shift from viewing ourselves through our stage of life or relationship status and instead viewing ourselves as those Redeemed by God, this helps us to thrive, not just survive or get through it. We’ve looked at that young and free life, that independent or single life, that covenant or married life, and this week that unexpected life. If you missed any of these, go to our YouTube channel or podcast to listen to your stage of life or share it with someone who could be encouraged by the message dealing with their place in life.
So what do we mean by “that unexpected life.”
Today we are talking about divorce. The chances are either you have been divorced, your parents have been divorced, or you have a sibling or a close friend who has been divorced.
Going through a divorce is painful.
Some of us who are divorced may have experienced it against your will. You begged your spouse to join you for couples counseling, and your spouse said no. You tried to improve your communication with your spouse, and it felt like it was going nowhere.
Last week we delved into the Shared life of marriage. We unpacked how the marriage was designed and how husbands and wives should submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. However, the trouble is that many homes are not governed by God’s Word – even homes where the members say they are following Jesus, and the consequences are tragic. Too many marriages end in the divorce court, and nobody knows how many husbands and wives are emotionally divorced even though they share the same address.
But now some of us are single again or you know someone who is.
If you’re looking for hope that your life can be restored, whether you remain single or not, you have come to the right place!
However you have been affected by divorce, listen to God’s heart for those who are hurting.
God’s Heart For Those Who Are Hurting
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalms 34:18
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
It’s important we remember God’s character and love for us even as we look at other passages of Scripture which may include warnings or rebukes.
Applying the Bible
As you may know, the Bible was written over a period of roughly 2,000 years by 40 different authors from three continents, who wrote in three different languages. Even still, there is a unity in the message of the Bible.
To understand the Bible requires understanding the type of literature. Poetry is different than prophecy which is different than history or wisdom literature or what we are about to read today which is a letter.
This is a real letter written to real people living in a real context. Once we know their context it will help us know how to apply the same passage of Scripture to our life.
The reason I say this is because some of us have had passages taken out of context and weaponized against us.
God is for you. He wants you to experience His presence and live out your purpose even more than we do. He often warns us away from the path that could lead to pain and hardship. Other times He invites us to trust Him down a path that is filled with pain and hardship. Our culture tries to pursue happiness at all costs which often leads to pain when ironically if we had been willing to do hard work and work through the suffering we might experience the breakthrough on the other side.
All that to say, we are about to read a letter from a pastor to his church family and that community was in disarray. It was literal chaos when they came together. People were talking over others during their gathering on Sunday. Some were getting drunk on the communion wine. Others were bragging about their sexual exploits with their Mom. Yes, you heard that right, and I don’t want to repeat it. There were people living just like the rest of the world was living, and Paul needed to warn these people he loved of a better path forward.
You see, a loving community is both inclusive and willing to have the hard conversations.
So back to Corinth, in Greek culture, men could have sex with anyone they wanted whenever they wanted. In addition, divorce was normal and easy. As a result, men and women were being left by their spouses for any reason.
And in that culture, when a man left his wife, most women would be left without a way to provide for herself. Depending on her age, she would have to move back to her parents or if she had children, move in with them. You can imagine for some women, they felt pressure to remarry as quickly as they could. Here’s what’s crazy, in ancient times, only 50% of children made it to age 15. Those who did only lived into their 40s or early 50s with people living into their 60s or 70s being like someone in their 100s today.
Knowing all of this, let’s read what he Paul wrote to followers of Jesus that he was investing in and helping grow to become more like Jesus. (If you are here, and you aren’t yet a believer, you will notice the high standard the Bible calls Christians to follow which we have too often failed to live up to. If you aren’t following Jesus, this isn’t a message from Paul to you although if you want to live up to this standard, it is far more possible to do so with God’s help).
Ok, let’s see what we can apply to our own lives.
To Those Who Are Single, Widowed, or Divorced
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. – 1 Corinthians 7:8-9
Self control and celibacy are disciplines we will all have to develop. Even if you are married, there are times when physical intimacy is not possible or not wise.
The problem is we live in an oversexualized culture.
According to the movies and shows we watch, most couples start dating after they have sex. Sex and living together have become incredibly common. That’s normal in our society.
Have you ever heard the idea that sex and living together are just the same as test driving a car? The idea is you wouldn’t buy a car without a test drive.
Here’s the problem with that idea. Over the course of a lifetime we end up driving several cars! According to secular psychologists and sociologists, we increase our chances of divorce when we live together before marriage.
You can almost go so far as to say that for some people in our culture, marriage has become the new dating.
Now if you follow Jesus, you are being invited into something so much better!
Marriage is so much more than finding someone to make us happy. Happiness is not promised nor should it be our number one pursuit.
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is not in the Bible, that’s in the U.S. constitution.
Marriage is a covenant relationship modeled after the self-sacrificial love of Jesus for the Church, and for those called to be married, if they are willing to lay down their lives in following Jesus and serving their spouse, with God’s help, marriage can be the most rewarding relationship you ever have in your life.
To Those Who Are Married
Let’s keep going:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. – 1 Corinthians 10:10-11
Now, followers of Jesus were being introduced to an entirely new sexual ethic. Sex was designed for a man and woman in covenant marriage. This goes against sex whenever you want with whomever you want. This goes against multiple wives. This goes against temple prostitutes. This goes against the rampant cases of rape, incest, and targeting children that was common in that culture.
Followers of Jesus lifted up marriage in a remarkable way that honored both the man and the woman. (Read all of 1 Corinthians 7 if you want to see even more how remarkably different Paul’s take on marriage was on their culture).
So in just this section, Paul is addressing those who were not married (single, widowed, or divorced) and those who are married.
Paul is reminding us that for those who have never been married or have lost a spouse, singleness can be a good thing and even a calling as we looked at more in depth in week 2 – “That Independent Life.” Even still, if sex outside of marriage would be too tempting then getting married is another good option for those who are single or widowed.
Now to those who are married then working towards healing and reconciliation is the goal. Now separation may be necessary for a time, but not to move on to another person but in hopes of reconciliation.
Let me just pause for a moment.
If you are here, and you are divorced or you have already remarried after your divorce, the enemy will want to come after you at this moment. You might have wounds around this topic.
Don’t miss this: God loves you. God can heal you. God can bring good out of the tragic experiences in our lives.
At the same time, for those of you who are married and things are hard and you are considering divorce, slow down for a moment. The Scriptures can be a guide to help us make the best decisions in moving forward in our lives. Let’s not be too quick to move on in your heart or your mind from your spouse.
If you are starting to think of a life without your spouse, we are being warned to stop going down that path and reconsider. Instead it’s actually much better to choose to do the work necessary to reconnect with your spouse and to build a healthy marriage.
Just ask your friends and family who are divorced. Divorce is painful. It’s considered one of the greatest stressors in life right alongside the death of someone we love.
This passage is letting us know that as followers of Jesus, if we end our marriage, we should do so in order to remain single and celibate for the rest of our lives, not in order to be with someone else. Marriage becomes an option when the ex-spouse remarries, has committed adultery, or passes away.
To the couple who have been struggling in your marriage, let me give you some hope.
In the fantastic book, The Meaning of Marriage by the late Tim Keller, he writes
“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.”
– Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
Even in the secular world, in her book, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially by Dr. Linda J. Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago and Maggie Gallagher found in their research that “Two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed together reported that their marriage was happy five years later.”
Now, just like anything meaningful in life, a healthy marriage takes work and sacrifice and with God’s help, there can be healing. Your marriage can even become greater than it ever was even before the crisis you face. By the way, just about every marriage will hit a crisis point or several crisis points. That’s why it’s important to take the word “divorce” off the table. If that becomes a threat every time there is a conflict, it becomes more and more difficult to work through the actual issue at hand.
(I need to say this: if you are in physical danger in your marriage, let us or a professional know. We are not advocating for enduring abuse of any kind when we are talking about issues needing healing).
For anything else, consider 1 to 1 coaching with us, consider counseling with a Christian counselor, consider Restore, consider talking with a pastor.
Your marriage is worth whatever effort required to take.
To Those Married to an Unbeliever
What about a marriage where only one person follows Jesus and the other doesn’t?
Paul answers this issue so let’s keep going.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife. – 1 Corinthians 7:8-16
What I hope you heard in this passage is this: if your spouse isn’t a believer, your relationship with Jesus can have profound impacts on him or her. Don’t underestimate the impact of what your spouse sees as you walk with Jesus.
Pray for them to see God and God’s goodness in your life
So, what happens if you are divorced or your marriage has fallen apart (even if you didn’t want it to)? Is life over? No!
Being married wasn’t your primary identity anyway. Your primary identity when you choose to follow Jesus is now you are a child of God. That title is secure. You are forgiven. Made new. Called. Empowered.
God is about restoration in our lives. Remember in week 1of our series we looked at The Fall in Genesis. After the brokenness that happened – God clothed them!
The story of the Bible is one of reconciliation and restoration!
God can heal all wounds
Remember,“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalms 34:18
Remember, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3
God can heal us and bring healing through us.
If you are divorced, you are back in season of Singleness. If this is you then…
Seek healing
Connect to community
Dedicate yourself to the Lord in your singleness
Divorce isn’t what God has for marriages, but in our broken world divorce is going to happen. Each week we’ve been closing with our own version of a pastoral response, and as we prepare our hearts to hear a reflection song, let’s close with this:
For most of us, the word divorce carries a lot of weight.
It carries memories… regrets… questions… maybe even shame or fear.
And whenever a topic like this comes up in church, there’s often a quiet question in the heart: Is there still a place for me in God’s story after a divorce?
The gospel answers that question with a resounding yes!
Because the message of the gospel is not that God only works with people whose lives stayed neat and intact, but the message of the gospel is that God continually redeems broken stories.
When you read the Bible, you realize very quickly it’s not filled with perfect families. It’s filled with fractured ones.
- Abraham’s family had deep conflict.
- David’s family life was marked by tragedy.
- The woman at the well had been married five times when Jesus met her.
And yet, in every one of those stories, God moved toward people—not away from them. Not with condemnation as the final word. But with grace.
You see, the center of our faith is a Savior who entered the brokenness of our world.
- On the cross, Jesus experienced rejection.
- He experienced abandonment.
- He experienced the emotional fracture of relationship as He cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Why would He go through that?
So that no one who comes to Him would ever truly be forsaken again.
Which means this: If you belong to Jesus, the defining truth about your life is not your divorce.
It’s not your past.
It’s not your worst moment.
It’s not the chapter of life you wish had gone differently.
The defining truth about your life is this:
You are redeemed.
And redeemed means your story is not over.
Redeemed means God is still writing chapters you cannot see yet.
Redeemed means that even the places that feel like ashes can become the very places where God grows something new.
The prophet Isaiah says that God gives beauty instead of ashes… the oil of joy instead of mourning.
Only God can do that.
Only God can take the very places where life seemed to fall apart and begin to weave grace through them.
So if you are here today carrying wounds from divorce, hear this clearly:
You are not disqualified from God’s love.
You are not disqualified from God’s family.
You are not disqualified from God’s purpose for your life.
Because the kingdom of God has always been filled with people whose lives did not go the way they expected. And yet—God met them there.
The unexpected life can still become a redeemed life.
So wherever you find yourself today—married, single, separated, divorced, hopeful, or hurting—remember this:
God is close to the brokenhearted.
He binds up wounds.
And the same God who raised Jesus from the dead is still in the business of bringing resurrection into places that once felt like endings.
Because our God is a God who restores.
And His grace is always greater than our past.
